Post Your Jokes Here

[Mr-Ice-Man]

Ive been thinking and it will be good if you could put ALL Jokes should be added to this one thread. This is to prevent situations where 40 new messages show on logging in but 36 are jokes and only a few are legitimate mobile phone posts.

So, anyone who wants to post a joke to the forum should post them in here or they will be moved to here...

[cratan007]

Bogey


This one is for everyone who ..

a) has kids,
b) had kids,
c) was a kid,
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.

He went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my bogey ?

[cratan007]

In what may be a major breakthrough, Jamaican police investigating the murder of Pakistan cricket coach Bob Woolmer at the World Cup have today released a picture of a man heard shouting "Woolmer!" whilst beating on Woolmer's door.

Police hope with the release of the photo a member of the public may recognise the suspect.

http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e43/cratan007/5889.jpg

[Tracey_nurse]

A stunning young blonde girl is jogging along the beach ...
A mile or so down the beach jogging in the opposite direction is a young guy wearing just jogging shorts. As he is jogging, in the distance his eye catches a glimpse of something on the sand.

As he jogs further he sees it's yellow. He gets closer and closer and discovers it's a tennis ball. He stops, picks it up and discovers that it is a new tennis ball. He thinks, hey a wind fall. He doesn't want to carry it and having no pockets he just stuffs it down his shorts and continues jogging.

A short while later as the girl jogging in the opposite directions draws closer, from a distance she can see the bulge in his shorts. She gets to within twenty feet and stops dead in her tracks and stares at his crotch fascinated. When the guy is just in front of her he sees she is staring at his crotch so he stops. She points at the bulge in his crotch and exclaims, "What's that!"

He says, "It's a tennis ball"

She replies... "Geez, I bet that's painful, I had tennis elbow once and that really hurt like hell!"

[Tracey_nurse]

20 Uses for a Condom

1. Hair tie
2. Slip 'er over a payphone to avoid "NASTY" germs
3. Bathing cap (if you stretch it in the right manner)
4. Neat travel case for your toothbrush
5. Wet suit for a ferret
6. Finger puppets
7. Travel size shampoo and conditioner holders
8. Use it to store that urine sample next time you go to the doc
for a checkup
9. Rubber boot for a peg leg
10. Latex toe warmers
11. Stuff, and use to stop drafts under doors
12. Fill with rocks and use to as a weapon in a crisis situation
13. Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood
14. To keep candles dry when camping
15. Build your own incredible "Water Weenies"
16. To quickly fill water pistols
17. Bicycle tire tube
18. Change purse
19. Goodyear Blimp model
20. For those long car trips that dad hates to stop for potty breaks

[Tracey_nurse]

I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

[cratan007]

20 Uses for a Condom

1. Hair tie
2. Slip 'er over a payphone to avoid "NASTY" germs
3. Bathing cap (if you stretch it in the right manner)
4. Neat travel case for your toothbrush
5. Wet suit for a ferret
6. Finger puppets
7. Travel size shampoo and conditioner holders
8. Use it to store that urine sample next time you go to the doc
for a checkup
9. Rubber boot for a peg leg
10. Latex toe warmers
11. Stuff, and use to stop drafts under doors
12. Fill with rocks and use to as a weapon in a crisis situation
13. Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood
14. To keep candles dry when camping
15. Build your own incredible "Water Weenies"
16. To quickly fill water pistols
17. Bicycle tire tube
18. Change purse
19. Goodyear Blimp model
20. For those long car trips that dad hates to stop for potty breaks

very good like those

[cratan007]

I have a little poem, I'll try to make it quick;
The subject is quite simple: the joy of owning dick.

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.
Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

brill keep em coming

[escudagooner]

20 Uses for a Condom

1. Hair tie
2. Slip 'er over a payphone to avoid "NASTY" germs
3. Bathing cap (if you stretch it in the right manner)
4. Neat travel case for your toothbrush
5. Wet suit for a ferret
6. Finger puppets
7. Travel size shampoo and conditioner holders
8. Use it to store that urine sample next time you go to the doc
for a checkup
9. Rubber boot for a peg leg
10. Latex toe warmers
11. Stuff, and use to stop drafts under doors
12. Fill with rocks and use to as a weapon in a crisis situation
13. Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood
14. To keep candles dry when camping
15. Build your own incredible "Water Weenies"
16. To quickly fill water pistols
17. Bicycle tire tube
18. Change purse
19. Goodyear Blimp model
20. For those long car trips that dad hates to stop for potty breaks

:excellent:excellentlol trust u to post that

[jelly]

some good stuff been posted

keep it comin! :excellent

[Tracey_nurse]

gm all I wont be posting nothing today................will be at work, an ty 4 comments have a good day all

[phil-deforce]

very good!!

[Tracey_nurse]

very good!!

best not keep replying in case we get in bother 4 hogging the post

[Tracey_nurse]

An elderly couple is lying in bed after a party to celebrate
their 50th wedding anniversary. Some of guests at the party are
sleeping over in the same house.
Says the husband to his wife, "Remember, honey, 50 years ago, on our wedding night? I even cut my finger so that everyone thought you were still a virgin!"
She responds, "And what? Do you want me to blow my nose in the bed sheets so that everyone will think you're still able to get it up?"

[phil-deforce]

can't help myself - you keep posting funny stuff and I feel obliged to acknowledge that....

[phil-deforce]

eeugh, gross!! and funny!!!

[Tracey_nurse]

can't help myself - you keep posting funny stuff and I feel obliged to acknowledge that....

I wonder y there aint a button next to the quote button saying thanks.............then instead of hoggin the posts with replies u could just click thanks an reply if u needed to innit

[phil-deforce]

I wonder y there aint a button next to the quote button saying thanks.............then instead of hoggin the posts with replies u could just click thanks an reply if u needed to innit

It's a good idea to have some other sort of acknowledgement, particularly if it did not affect your post count....

[Tracey_nurse]

No Pubic Hair?



A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"

[Tracey_nurse]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[Tracey_nurse]

cleaningpoem


I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.


He asked if I'd been 'computering',
And I had to answer "yes."


He told me to get off my fanny
And tidy up the house.

And so I started cleaning up...
The smudges off my mouse.


I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick...
I was just admiring my work...
I didn't mean to 'click.'


But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site
That I got SO way into.
I was into it all night......Sigh


Nothing's changed except my mouse
It's very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess...
While I sit here on my butt.

[Tracey_nurse]

Seven wise men smarter than shit, decided to make a pair of tits.
First was a miner who came from the ground, Grabbed a shovel and made two mounds.

Next was a sculptor after being soothed, With skillful hands he made them smoothed.

Third was a mattress maker who was a bit sleazy, But worked on the boobs to make them squeezy.

Fourth came a tailor who could tuck and nip, At the top of it he made a tip.

Fifth was a farmer that gave them milk, Coming from the tip smooth as silk.

Sixth was a father that burst out and said, "If she feeds the kids, I stay in Bed!"

Finally was a pimp who said with some spit, after licking and sucking "This is definitely a tit!"

[Tracey_nurse]

blonde & the bodybuilder
A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and
takes her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What
a great chest you
have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of
dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What
massive calves you
have." The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. Of
dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes
running out of the
apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and
chases after her. He
catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the
apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all
that dynamite after I
saw how short the fuse was."

[Pete UK]

Loved the winking one Tracey :excellent :excellent

[Tracey_nurse]

After less than a year of marriage, Jane was becoming more and more frustrated. Her husband Jeff worked very long hours and was no longer interested in Bonking. Plucking up her courage, and with a few stiff drinks inside her, Jane visited a sex shop. "Hello," announced Jane.

"Look, I'm very embarrassed about this. My husband doesn't make love to me. You sell 'Sex Dolls' for men - I'm here because I'm interested in buying, well, a Sex Doll. You know ... one with a BIG Dick - for me."

The shop assistant was taken aback. In front of him was a lady - about
22 years old - with a 38 DD bust ... And a figure he would have crawled over a kilometre of broken glass to buy a coffee for. "Well Miss - or Madam." He took another breath.

"Frankly, we don't get much call for that sort of thing. However, we do have three models in the back room."

Hand on her chin, Jane looked him directly in the eye and smiled.
"Don't just stand there - tell me about them!"

"Well," the man replied, "I'm sure you won't like our first model. It's called 'The Soccer Player'. Don't get me wrong; It's very nice.
Powerful legs ... cute butt - But it does tend to 'dribble' a lot."

Jane wasn't exactly delighted about this. "Well .... No. Not interested in that!" Jane whispered, "What else've you got?"

"Well," came the reply, "We also have the 'Aussie Cricketer' ...
Listen, I must be fair with you. This is a great model, big ... well, Ummm huge, in the right places, but ... "

"Yes !?!" gulped Jane, with eyes like dinner plates.

"Once it's in - It's almost impossible to get it out. Frankly, we've only sold two of these in the last four years"

"Don't want THAT," replied Jane. "You said you have three models.
What's left?"

"I hesitate to even talk about this," answered the shop assistant.
"It's called 'The Santa Claus' Model."

"What d'Ya mean, "The Santa Claus' model?" replied Jane.

"Well," answered the shop assistant. He took a deep breath. "This model only comes once a year and .... when it does - it fills up BOTH your stockings !"

[Tracey_nurse]

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.
It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[thet10002001]

A sweet grandmother telephoned Wigan Infirmary.
She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, Dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Janice Flynn, Room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Janice is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Janice your daughter?"
The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Janice Flynn from Room 302 No one tells me f**k all...

[Tracey_nurse]

lololol gr8 post ty

[thet10002001]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men
along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to
stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to
eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the
lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,
under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he
stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a
wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,
"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The
grass is almost a foot high."

[thet10002001]

A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the
day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.

"I'll have the little green squid with
the hairy lip, please" says
the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"

A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a
tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!" at which an
enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen.
"Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans
kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to
bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and
gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid," Hans admits, his
lower lip trembling.

"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show.


That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green,
hairy lip squid!"

[Pete UK]

lol, nice one thet10002001 (seafood restaurant) :excellent :excellent :pan:

[Tracey_nurse]

A letter from your computer


*********************


You look really sexy in that...thing you've got on tonight.
I like the way your eyes are always open when you read your E-mail. When
You type, it reminds me of a concert pianist tinkling on her keys. You
Really know how to push the right buttons to turn me on. If I wasn't a
Computer, I'd show you what "Hard Drive" really means!


But Alas, I'm only a bundle of circuits and wires, obeying
Your every command. Yes, mistress! I'll balance your chequebook. Yes,
Mistress! I'll run your silly little program. Don't get me wrong...I
Like theMaster/Slave thing, but maybe just once in a while you could
Show some compassion?


Maybe instead of just ramming the diskette in, you could
Slide it in slowly, maybe even blow in the slot first.
And maybe instead of just using me and turning me off when you're
Through, we could talk for a while afterwards?


I know other computers have hurt you in the past. But I
Am different! I may be a little slow, but I've got a big mouse!


So come on baby, don't fight it. You know you want it.
I'll just turn off the lights and...and.. What?


OK...well, will you at least think about it?


I'm so embarrassed,
Your Computer.

[Tracey_nurse]

What would happen if suddenly, magically, men could menstruate and women could not?

The answer is clear: menstruation would become an enviable, boast-worthy, masculine event ...

* Men would brag about how long and how much.

* Boys would mark the onset of menses, that longed-for proof of manhood, with religious ritual and stag parties.

* Congress would fund a National Institute of Dysmenorrhea to help stamp out monthly discomforts.

* Sanitary supplies would be federally funded and free. (Of course, some men would still pay for the prestige of commercial brands such as John Wayne Tampons, Muhammed Ali's Rope-a-dope Pads, Joe Namath Jock Shields - "For Those Light Bachelor Days," and Robert "Baretta" Blake Maxi-Pads.)

* Military men, right-wing politicians, and religious fundamentalists would cite menstruation ("MENstruation") as proof that only men could serve in the army ("you have to give blood to take blood"), occupy political office ("can women be aggressive without that steadfast cycle governed by the planet Mars?"), be priests and ministers ("how could a woman give her blood for our sins"), or rabbis ("without the monthly loss of impurities, women remain unclean").

* Male radicals, left-wing politicians, and mystics, however, would insist that women are equal, just different; and that any woman could enter their ranks if only she were willing to self-inflict a major wound every month ("you MUST give blood for the revolution"), recognize the preeminence of menstrual issues, or subordinate her selfness to all men in their Cycle of Enlightenment.

* Street guys would brag ("I'm a three-pad man") or answer praise from a buddy ("Man, you are lookin' good") by high-fiving and saying, "Yeah, man, I'm on the rag!"

* TV shows would treat the subject at length. ("Happy Days": Richie and Potsie try to convince Fonzie that he is still "The Fonz," though he has missed two periods in a row.) So would newspapers. (SHARK SCARE THREATENS MENSTRUATING MEN. JUDGE CITES MONTHLY STRESS IN PARDONING RAPIST.) And movies. (Newman and Redford in "Blood Brothers!")

* Men would try to convince women that intercourse was more pleasurable at "that time of the month."

* Lesbians would be said to fear blood and therefore life itself - though probably only because they needed a good menstruating man.

* Of course, male intellectuals would offer the most moral and logical arguments. How could a woman master any discipline that demanded a sense of time, space, mathematics, or measurement, for instance, without that in-built gift for measuring the cycles of the moon and planets - and thus for measuring anything at all? In the rarefied fields of philosophy and religion, could women compensate for missing the rhythm of the universe? Or for their lack of symbolic death-and-resurrection every month?

* Liberal males in every field would be kind to women: the fact that "these people" have no gift for measuring life or connecting the universe, the liberals would explain, that should be punishment enough.

[Tracey_nurse]

Irish Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me
wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the
best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize
for the best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ya now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
sitting in church beside me wife"
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary"

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised
meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other
time... I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Caz]

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds
and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting
into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6 I got the there's no Santa speech.
At 7, I got the there's no Easter Bunny speech. When I was 8, you hit me
with the there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you tell me that grown-ups
don't really ., I'll have nothing left to live for."

[Caz]

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears:
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you’re bad luck, get the feck away from me."

[phil-deforce]

like it - had to read it twice as thought some words missing - guess it's a case of insert your own!

[Caz]

thats the one phil :bravo:

[Pete UK]

all good lol

Not keen on this way of posting though, much prefered the old way. If i dont check evey day at least a few times now i gotta back search thru the list to see where I last read to :o(
Was a lot easier when they all just showed up in bold txt for me to see at a glance and didn't have loads of pages to look back thru.
Needs a rethink ;o)

[cratan007]

all good lol

Not keen on this way of posting though, much prefered the old way. If i dont check evey day at least a few times now i gotta back search thru the list to see where I last read to :o(
Was a lot easier when they all just showed up in bold txt for me to see at a glance and didn't have loads of pages to look back thru.
Needs a rethink ;o)

yes i agree with pete tis all over the place now prefered the old way like they say if its not broke why fix it..

[phil-deforce]

yes i agree with pete tis all over the place now prefered the old way like they say if its not broke why fix it..

I concur, I liked it when I could tell there was an unread thread and I could go straight there to see the new joke or whatever....

[Mary]

BOB'S STORY.
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of house-keeping
as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at
them. Some are over sensitive and there is nothing worse than an over
sensitive woman.
My name is Bob. Let me tell you how I handled the situation with my
wife, Debbie. When I took early retirement last year it became
necessary for Debbie to get a full time job along with her part-time
job, to enable us to maintain a decent standard of living.
Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show
her age. I usually get home from the golf-course about the same time
as she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am she
says she has to rest for a half an hour or so before she starts
dinner. I don't shout at her or complain. Instead, I tell her to take
her time and just wake me when she gets the dinner on the table. I
usually have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club but I am always
ready for some home cooked food when I get home.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's
not unusual for them to sit on the dinner table for several hours
after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her many
times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I think she
really appreciates this as it does seem to motivate her to get them
done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, For example, she says it is
difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her
lunch hour.
But Boys, we take them for better or worse so just smile and offer
encouragement. I advise her to stretch it out over two or even three
days - that way she won't to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her. Tact is one
of my strong points!
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the
garden. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair-minded man. I tell her
to make herself a nice big glass of freshly squeezed orange juice and
take a breather. And if she is making one for herself she can make one
for me too.
I know I probably look like a saint for the way I support Debbie. I'm
not saying for a moment that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows more than me how
frustrating women become as they get older. However fellas, if you
just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article I will consider that writing it, was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.



Signed:
Bob



Note: Bob died suddenly last July. The Police report says that he was
found with a Callaway extra long 50" Big Bertha driver Golf Club
rammed up his ar5e with only two inches of grip showing. His wife
Debbie was arrested and charged with murder.
However, the all women jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her
defence that Bob had accidentally sat down on it.

:excellent

[Pete UK]

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to Get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the emergency room doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock!!!, "We've never had a Makem in the family before"!!!

:pan: :pan: :poke: :weird:

[jhuds2004]

brilliant hahaha :excellent :excellent

[anjirose]

abuse here mind.... although granted i am often brain dead lol

[geordieboy]

abuse here mind.... although granted i am often brain dead lol
we know that anji......
lol good one pete:excellent :excellent :excellent

[jelly]

lol :excellent

[jhuds2004]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that is would be a woman.

He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

God replied, "An arm and a leg."

Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

And the rest is history...

[Pete UK]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
<..... etc etc............................................... ......... etc etc.............................>
And the rest is history...

If only he hadn't skimpt on the arm and the leg, the world would be a much nicer place ;o)

[Mary]

The Doctor Says...

I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't
waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.

And remember:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming : Woo Hoo, what a ride!

:yes:

[Pete UK]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

:dope: :dope: :pan:

[Pete UK]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally,Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit.
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Melbourne.

Their first night there, she undressed as he also did.
There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning".

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same; she stood there wearing the black
panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

[cratan007]

A couple has been married for 50 years and are celebrating their anniversary. The wife asks what the husband wants for their anniversary and he replies, "I would like you to perform oral sex on me. In the 50 years we have married NEVER have you ONCE done this to me."

She replies, "It's just that I'm afraid that you won't respect me afterwards."

"Won't respect you afterwards! he yells, we have been married for 50 years for Christ sakes!"

"OK! OK! I'll do it just this one time!" She then bends down and gives him oral sex until he has an orgasm in her mouth. Immediately afterwards she runs to the bathroom. The phone rings next to the bed and he picks it up. He then yells to his wife, "Hey Cock sucker! it's for you!"

[Cannonball2]

What's the definition of absolute trust?

Two cannibals having oral sex!!

[Cannonball2]

A man is in court and has just been found guilty of sexual assault with an Alsatian.
The judge turns to him and says
“You have been found guilty of committing the vilest, most despicable crime I have ever heard of. How low can you get?”
The man replies “I did it with a dachshund once!!”

[Caz]

:lolol:very good :lolol:

[jelly]

:lolol: good jokes guys

[Caz]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, what?"

The man replied, "I'm an IRS Agent."

[Caz]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Caz]

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I Froze to Death.

2nd woman: How Horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating on me so I came home early to catch him, but instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking for her. I ran up into the attic and searched,and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer --- we'd both still be alive.

[Pete UK]

Caz oh Caz :o(
http://www.fonefunshop.co.uk/forum/showthread.php?t=23956&highlight=Defense+Attorney
lol:pan:

[Caz]

Caz oh Caz :o(
http://www.fonefunshop.co.uk/forum/showthread.php?t=23956&highlight=Defense+Attorney
lol:pan:


sorted lmao:pms:

[Cannonball2]

There was a Baptist Church in South Carolina that had a very
big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled
while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation
considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said
something had to be done about this or they would have to get another
organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told
her to mash up some green chillies, and rub them on her breasts and maybe
they would shrink in size, but warned her not to eat any because they are
so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk
properly for a while. She agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the
minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my
contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday

[Tracey_nurse]

PRAYERS FOR BONNIE AND LEE

During a weekly church meeting, a friend of mine
was scheduled to read a list of people who had asked
to be included in the congregation's prayers.

Since another church member, Bonnie, had mentioned
that she and her husband were struggling with a big
decision on whether they should become missionaries,
my friend offered to include them on the prayer list.

So at the meeting, my friend announced in front of the
whole congregation, "Let's all pray that Bonnie and Lee
can make a decision about the missionary position."

-----------------------------------------
1) It's better to be crazy & know it than being sane & doubt it.
2) I'm lost. I've gone out to find me. If I come back before I
return, please ask me to wait.
3) I live in my own little world!!! But that's okay, cause they know
me there.
4) No lifeguard on duty. Swim at your own risk...
5) Daydreaming is way better than school!
6) Education is the progressive relation of our ignorance.
7) Insanity: A perfectly normal change to a normal mind.
8) The voices in my head are snoring.
9) Me? Psychotic? What gave you that idea?
10) I'm not crazy! It's the rest of you that are freaks!
11) You say I'm psycho like it's a bad thing!
12) Insanity in individuals is something rare but in groups, parties,
nations, & epochs... it is the rule!!!
13) Only two things are infinite: the universe, & human stupidity...
14) My fist & your teeth have an appointment...
15) If nobody is perfect then hi, my name is Nobody.
16) Caution: Professionals at work
17) I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
18) Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has
been turned off till further notice!!!
19) Lifting weights is fun!!! Use your siblings to your advantage.

==================================================

PICABO
(thanks Mom)

Subject: (Olympic Skier) Nurse Picabo

Nurse Picabo

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)
is not just an athlete....she is now a nurse. She has completed her
RN training and is currently working at the Intensive Care Unit of a
Denver hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones, however. It
caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say . .
Picabo, ICU.

================================================== ==================

EDISON

Not many people know that Edison was an avid fisherman. He usually
included some trout fishing in his infrequent vacations.

During one such trip to the west he was befriended by an Indian tribe.
They provided free room and board, as well as expert fishing guides
for his stay.

On his first night he discovered that the only sanitary facility was
an old-fashioned outhouse. To make things worse it had no light even
though the village had electricity in the homes.

As a thank-you gift for their kindnesses, Edison purchased the
necessary materials and personally installed lighting in the Indians'
privvy.

He thus became the first person to wire a head for a reservation.

================================================== ===================

THE THREE BEARS
(The Real Story)

It's a sunny morning in the big forest and the Bear family is just
waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and looks at the table at his
small bowl........... it is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks with all the fierceness
he can muster.

Next, Papa Bear arrives at the scene, looks into his big bowl.........
it is also empty.
"Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he roars and shakes the house.

Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
yells, "For heaven's sake, how many times do we have to go through
this?"

It was Mama Bear who got up first. It was Mama Bear who woke up
everyone in the house. It was Mama Bear who made the coffee. It was
Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
everything away. It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early
morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mama Bear who set the
table. It was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box,
and filled the cat's water and food dish.

Mama Bear said, "Now that you've decided to drag your sorry selves
downstairs and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence,
listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time - I
HAVEN'T MADE THE #*#*#* PORRIDGE YET!!!!!"

================================================== ===================

WHAT IS IT?

The young man really liked the perfume the young lady was wearing and
asked its name. She looked puzzled for a minute then dumped the
contents of her purse on the table between them. She searched through
the pile and finally found a small atomizer. She looked at the label
and announced, "Unforgettable"


----------------------------------------
"I'm offended by political jokes. Too often they get elected."
- Henny Youngman

______________________

t o d a y 's j o k e
______________________

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning,
peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him
and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

"What was that for?"

"What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it"

"Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife is satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around
the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading
and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

"What was that for this time?"

"Your horse phoned!"
__________________________________________________ ________

t o d a y' s b o n u s j o k e
__________________________________

A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he
was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D.

"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to
be her."

"Don't worry too much," advised the doctor. "These things
happen."

"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've
been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same
symptoms."

"That's unfortunate."

"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."

"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."

----------------------------------------
He: I'm tired, I'm drunk, and I'm horny. What do you say?

She: Get some sleep, get sober, and get a grip.
------------------------------------
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven,where St Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give m e the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

[Cannonball2]

It has just been announced that Boris Yeltsin, the former leader of the Soviet Union has died. His family have been informed that he will have to be buried, as if he was cremated, it would take 3 weeks to put the fire out!!!

[cratan007]

Friendship between Women:


A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[cratan007]

A middle school teacher was doing a study testing the senses of First year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polos.

He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."

Finally the teacher gave them all honey Polos. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled: "Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

[Pete UK]

lol :excellent nice one cratan007 :excellent

[cera*phin]

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.



Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%



and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull**** and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.


Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away!

[cera*phin]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.


Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.


Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


MORAL:

Don't Mess With Little Old Ladies

[cera*phin]

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[cera*phin]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles! , turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

[cera*phin]

An old mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to the bed.

"You lissin-a me - I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated .38
revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me
your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup and lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifulla wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a coupla bambinos. Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find your beautifula wife in bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then? ... Pointa to your watch and say: "Times up?"

[Cannonball2]

A bloke pulled an older woman at a club She was a right sort for 57, they drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if he'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

"No", he said.

They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky night.

They went back to her house.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs...






'Mum....you awake?'

[Pete UK]

nice one CB2 lol :excellent :excellent

[phil-deforce]

A bloke pulled an older woman at a club She was a right sort for 57, they drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if he'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter threesome?

"No", he said.

They drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was his lucky night.

They went back to her house.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs...






'Mum....you awake?'

excellent, that's been shared with my posse...!!

[Cannonball2]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie
And says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my
swing, but I think I've got that right now".

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need
to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the
next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years" .
Tiger says, "But you're blind How can you play golf if you
can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of
the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice
and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the
ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the
fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the
hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play
the ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round
sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only
play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when
would you like to play?"


Stevie says, "Pick any night"!!.

[Cannonball2]

Stephen Hawking has had a trip on the Vomit Comet to experience weightlessness out of his wheelchair. When asked to comment while he was floating around the plane, he was lost for words!!